You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline – it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
He was a wise man who invented beer.
Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
–Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
–Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
People who drink light "beer" don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
–Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
I drink to make other people interesting.
–George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer.
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
–For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.