To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn’t get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat – 23 times

Did not come home at all – 36 times

Did not come – 21 times

Came too soon – 38 times

Went soft before you got it in – 19 times

Cramps in your leg – 16 times

Working too late – 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat – 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper – 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running – 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee – 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger – 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it – 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book – 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn’t want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife