To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn’t succeed more often:

We will wake the kids – 54 times

It’s too late – 15 times

I’m too tired – 42 times

It’s too early – 12 times

It’s too hot – 18 times

Pretending to be asleep – 31 times

The neighbors will hear – 9 times

Headache or backache – 26 times

Sunburn – 10 times

Your mother will hear us – 9 times

Not in the mood – 21 times

Watching the late show – 17 times

Too sore – 26 times

New hairdo – 6 times

Wrong time of the month – 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom – 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let’s try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby