1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into consideration and realized that I really DO look like a furry woodland creature!

2. My fellow Americans, prepare to die. I accidentally sent my wife’s birthday gift to bin Laden instead of a bomb. When he receives the negligee I’m afraid he won’t be happy. Unfortunately, my wife will receive the bomb. At least ONE good thing will come of this!

3. My fellow Americans, I have decided to skip the state of the union and instead air a program I have long loved and admired, which I still watch to this day… ready? Here it goes!.. "I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME, WE’RE A HAPPY FAMILY, WITH A…"

4. My fellow Americans, I have just learned of an extraordinary thing! There is a HOLE in the ozone layer! Now we can see the stars even better!

5. Doo a diddy, diddy dum diddy doo!

6. My fellow Americans, I have been deceiving you. I must tell you this now: I know you all voted for me because I am my father’s son. Well, he’s not my father. You have elected the son of the mailman!

7. My fellow Americans, I must apologize. I had no idea that Dick Cheney is my Vice President! I thought that I was running with a pro wrestler. Please forgive me for my mistake. What? What do you mean, how could I have possibly done such a thing? Simple. I don’t really memorize all the names of those less than unimportant senators that no one cares about. I make up nicknames for them like Obblebobble and Notafornee and then laugh about it in my little corners when they’re talking about laws and junk.

8. My fellow Americans, I forgot… what was thing with slavery again?

9. My fellow Americans, I have decided to go and finish school and get my high school diploma. Starting Monday I am enrolling in the class I never finished – Miss Munerlich’s kindergarten!

10. My fellow Americans, I have decided to go on a family vacation to – Afghanistan! I hear people get stoned there, and unfortunately that is illegal here in our great country that is run by me. I haven’t gotten stoned in a long time, not since my visit to the Colombian drug lord Elrico Machimachez, who happens to supply me with mucho goods… What? They THROW stones at people? …Ah, change of plans! Honey, children, you’re going to Afghanistan without me, I have to… uh… write a bill for the allowance of marijuana in America! Ta ta!