A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child offive.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I gointo the other room and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hearit again.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in aninstitution?

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamasI’ll never know.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s toodark to read.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.