From Lee Daniel Quinn’s book, Quinn’s Devious Dictionary:

MARRIAGE, n.
[1] the dawn of romance and the commencement of history;
[2] a word that should be pronounced as "mirage";
[3] an event, for the upper middle class, is the only adventure left;
[4] a very good way to promote civilization – if you get a good wife you will be happy, if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher {Socrates};
[5] a process much like a cafeteria – you carefully look over the choices, select what looks the best – and pay later;
[6] an event which is called "tying the knot" – unfortunately, the knot can be a noose;
[7] a word which always means commitment – but so does insanity;
[8] a ceremony favored in England – it’s the only way to beat their cold winters and lack of central heating;
[9] something that changes the demeanor of a driver – there is no longer any effort needed to keep both hands on the wheel;
[10] the only permanent cure for love;
[11] is only compatible when the man makes a living and his wife makes living worthwhile;
[12] the only adventure open to the cowardly;
[13] something which is called a feast – unfortunately, sometimes the appetizer is better than the main course;
[14] a group which consists of: a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two;
[15] the alliance of two people, one who never remembers birthdays, and the other who never forgets them;
[16] the process that turns a female from an attraction into a distraction;
[17] a legal custom which turns a man into the captive audience of his wife;
[18] that ceremony which makes more strange bedfellows than politics;
[19] a rite where two people, under the influence most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal and exhausting condition until death do them part;
[20] occurs where a man gets hooked by his own line;
[21] in America, is the only legal method of suppressing freedom of speech;
[22] is made out of two toothbrushes but a single tube of toothpaste;
[23] is just a three-ring circus: engagement, wedding, and suffer;
[24] the process of finding out the kind of guy your wife would have preferred;
[25] a condition where no wife gets what she expected, and no husband expected what he was getting;
[26] the ceremony which provides a man with something that, sooner or later, he will find he can’t blame on the government;
[27] a tradition which would suffer considerably if men had to pay the minister the same fee they will eventually have to pay the divorce lawyer;
[28] is much like a pair of shears, so joined so the parts cannot be separated, often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who tries to come between them;
[29] the continuous process of getting used to things you never expected;
[30] a status which depends upon two to be successful but only one to turn into a failure;
[31] is a book in which the first chapter is written in poetry and the rest of the pages is prose;
[32] a bargain, and a sensible person understands that someone must get the better of any bargain;
[33] in Japanese is called "Judo" – the art of conquering by yielding. This is the western equivalent of "Yes, dear";
[34] a confrontation which always demands the greatest understanding of the subtle art of insincerity possible between two human beings;
[35] is not a word, but a sentence;
[36] a delightful form of combat where you get to sleep with the enemy;
[37] an investment that pays big dividends if you manage to keep up the interest

The above marriage definitions are just 37 of 5,000+ definitions appearing in Quinn’s Devious Dictionary (Available from him at words@iop.com).

"Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle." –Sam Levenson

"For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked." –Bill Cosby

"Marriage — as its veterans know well — is the continuous process of getting used to things you hadn’t expected." –Tom Mullen

"If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married." –Katherine Hepburn

"The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him." –Cher

"Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry." –Tom Mullen

"When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions. They are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part." –George Bernard Shaw