"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." – Henny Youngman.

"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit." – Billy Connolly.

"A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get ‘Scent of a Woman’. Her husband came back with a ‘Fish Called Wanda’."

"The phrase ‘rule of thumb’ is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb."

"There’s only two things about me that my wife doesn’t care for:
1) everything I say, and
2) everything I do."

"Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don’t ?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator."

"Q: Why do men usually die before their wives ?
A: Because they want to."

"A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once."

"Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?"
And the father replied, "I don’t know son, I’m still paying".

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her ?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

"They say that breaking up is hard to do – but it’s much easier with a restraining order and a rottweiler." – Dakota Shepard.

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice."

"It is a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a man’s to keep unmarried as long as he can." – George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), Irish dramatist and critic.

"For others who may not know this: when the preacher says, ‘You may now kiss the bride’, he’s only speaking to the groom." – David Gunter.

"If you don’t beat your wife every three days, she’ll start tearing up roof tiles." – Chinese saying.

"Make love, not war. I’m married, I do both."

"Bigamy ? It’s having one wife too much…
…Monogamy ? It’s the same." – Oscar Wilde.

"Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters are written in prose." – Beverley Nichols.

"Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds can get you shot."

"Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener !"

"My husband and I married for better or worse – He couldn’t do better and I couldn’t do worse."

"You never truly know a woman ’til you meet her in court."

"An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." – Agatha Christie (1891-1976), British detective-story writer.

"Life is a bitch, then you marry one."

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." – Mignon mclaughlin.

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." – Rodney Dangerfield.

"A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished." – Zsa Zsa Gabor.

"I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can’t be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn’t happened. But weddings always make me cry." – Brendan Behan (1923-64) Irish playwright.

"Ah, yes, ‘divorce’. From the Latin for ‘having your genitals torn off through your wallet’." – Robin Williams.

"My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog."

"Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy ?
A: Two Mothers-in-law."