Jewish Definition:
Bar Mitzvah Definition:Â A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the realization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one.
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Q. How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
A. She has a headache with the mailman.
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Q: What’s the difference between a Bris and a Get?
A: With a Get, you’re rid of the whole schmuck!
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How do Jews actually practice their religion in contrast to what rabbis tell us we ought to do? (From Ari Goldman’s Book: "Being Jewish: the Spiritual and Cultural Practice of Judaism Today")
 1. I don’t floss my teeth on Shabbat.
 2. I don’t eat shellfish on Shabbat.
 3. I drive, but not on freeways (on Shabbat).
 4. I keep kosher, but only within 50 miles of my home.
 5. I keep 3 sets of dishes – for meat, dairy, and Chinese Food.